Growing by Two Feet

I can't hold it in any longer!! We are going to be PARENTS! 

What a roller coaster of emotions this summer has been for our family. To tell the story properly, let me back up to the last time we talked babies...

About 6th months ago I started telling our story, and the hopes we had of starting our family. (You can read about it here). At that time we had gone through months of fertility drugs and had been told that the next step would be an IUI (Intrauterine insemination). I was terrified but after doing some research and talking with a few friends who had gone through the process we decided to take the plunge and go for it. Our first procedure took place in December. There's nothing better to take all romance out of making a baby than going through infertility treatments! I won't take you through all of the details but essentially you do the procedure and then wait an excruciating two weeks to find out if it worked. Longest two weeks of my life! We were so sure this was going to work. I did everything I could to make sure I didn't sabotage anything and tried not to stress out (that part was an epic fail!). After the two weeks had passed, another negative result sent me into a tailspin. We did everything we were supposed to and I still couldn't seem to make it work. We opted to try again in January only to be faced with the same disappointment.

We took a few months break due to crazy schedules, bad cycles and military training and were ready to jump back on the horse in May. About this time we started talking about adoption. We had already decided that if this IUI failed, we would stop trying and start pursuing a family through adoption. The more we discussed it, the more it felt right so I called LDS Family Services and set up our first appointment. From the moment we got there, our excitement seemed to bubble over! Our case worker gave us the initial application and paperwork and we immediately started. By the next day everything was turned in and we were ready! As we were getting ready to start the next step, the BIG hunk of paperwork (no joke it is CRAZY how much you have to fill out!), the day came for our final IUI. Brandon looked right at me after I told him and said, "We aren't doing another one. I just feel like we are on the right path with the adoption and it would be a waste of money and emotions." I immediately agreed. Brandon left that weekend for his annual 2 week training with the National Guard and I had just finished school and was ready to take on this adoption. By the time Brandon got home, I had it all finished except for 3-4 pieces that were Brandon's to fill out. I could hardly contain my excitement. Finally we were doing something proactive in starting our family!! 

The Sunday after Brandon got home was Father's Day. I woke up early and had the strangest prompting that I needed to take a pregnancy test. I figured it was just me being paranoid, I was a few days late but honestly that didn't mean much after the past two years! So I got up and did the test. I'm not even joking, the minute I laid the test down the two pink lines were already formed! It was almost instantaneous. I honestly couldn't believe it and stood staring at the test in disbelief. When I finally snapped out of it, I tackled Brandon and told him he was going to be a daddy. Groggily he replied that it wasn't a funny joke and I was a jerk. It took a solid 5 minutes of convincing and showing him the test before he actually believed me. We could hardly keep this news to ourselves! We called his parents right away and told them the good news, finally they were going to be grandparents! Church was amazing and I don't think that I heard one word of what was said, I spent too much time thanking the Lord over and over and over!  We waited until we got to my parents house for Father's Day dinner and spilled the beans to my side of the family. 

I still get the chills thinking about that day and how the Lord works on his own timing. I know that we were meant to have to wade through all of the heartache that comes with infertility. I know that Heavenly Father has a much bigger plan than any of us see and that faith in him includes faith in his timing. I cannot wait to be a mom and I know that Brandon will be an amazing father. Only 27 more weeks until we get to meet our little belly bean <3

The "I" word...

**I am going to preface this post with this: This post is not a cry for attention nor am I writing it in hopes that you will pity us. This is an update for all who care to know what is happening in our lives. If you wish to continue reading, please do, and if you don't want to finish this post,  I won't hold it against you!**

Infertility
It's an ugly word.
A word that cuts deep.
A word that demolishes hopes and dreams.
A word that has been floating around in my mind for the past 6 months.

Infertility is much more than just a word. It's a lifestyle that no one chooses to live. It is a reminder of your deepest hopes and wishes and how far you have to reach them. It is a constant companion that you just want to be rid of once and for all.

Brandon and I have been dealing with this monster for about 2 years now.  At first, we didn't know it. We assumed it was just taking us a little longer than most. Mostly due to our busy lives and hectic schedule. But after a year had past, we started to get nervous. We decided to wait until I finished my first year as a real teacher before seeing a doctor about it.

I went to see my doctor in June. We talked about what was going on and some of our options. We decided to try Clomid because it is a relatively "safe" fertility drug. Safe meaning the chance for multiples is much less than the other drugs and it is supposed to have few side effects. Brandon and I were so excited, here was our chance! We had been praying and begging the Lord to help us and now we were going to get pregnant and by next summer we would have our little prince or princess.

But life never happens that easily.

We tried month after month and by November we still had no luck. We decided to visit another doctor for a second opinion but received the same answer as the first. The next step is probably an IUI. This is when it really became a reality to me. It is a hard thing to know that the one thing you've dreamed of for years just isn't happening and may never. It's even harder when it is seeming to happen to everyone else but you. Infertility is an isolated, lonely world. Not because you are the ONLY couple experiencing it, but because no one talks about it. No one wants to discuss it, it's said in hushed tones, with looks of pity displayed across faces. One of my friends who has been going through the same thing started posting about their journey and I can't tell you how much her blog has helped me through my own heartache and sorrow. I hope that if anyone else is going through the same thing, they can find comfort knowing they are not alone. That sometimes it just takes someone in a similar situation, speaking up to help out.

These past two years have been rough. Of course there have been WAY more positives than negatives but it is difficult to see your hopes and dreams be crushed month after month, negative test after negative test.

At this point, I don't know what our future holds. But if you can take a few minutes to say a quick prayer we would appreciate it. I know the power of prayer and I know that our Heavenly Father loves us and knows each and every one of our heartaches. We will have a family one way or another!