Monday, December 23, 2013

The "I" word...

**I am going to preface this post with this: This post is not a cry for attention nor am I writing it in hopes that you will pity us. This is an update for all who care to know what is happening in our lives. If you wish to continue reading, please do, and if you don't want to finish this post,  I won't hold it against you!**

It's an ugly word.
A word that cuts deep.
A word that demolishes hopes and dreams.
A word that has been floating around in my mind for the past 6 months.

Infertility is much more than just a word. It's a lifestyle that no one chooses to live. It is a reminder of your deepest hopes and wishes and how far you have to reach them. It is a constant companion that you just want to be rid of once and for all.

Brandon and I have been dealing with this monster for about 2 years now.  At first, we didn't know it. We assumed it was just taking us a little longer than most. Mostly due to our busy lives and hectic schedule. But after a year had past, we started to get nervous. We decided to wait until I finished my first year as a real teacher before seeing a doctor about it.

I went to see my doctor in June. We talked about what was going on and some of our options. We decided to try Clomid because it is a relatively "safe" fertility drug. Safe meaning the chance for multiples is much less than the other drugs and it is supposed to have few side effects. Brandon and I were so excited, here was our chance! We had been praying and begging the Lord to help us and now we were going to get pregnant and by next summer we would have our little prince or princess.

But life never happens that easily.

We tried month after month and by November we still had no luck. We decided to visit another doctor for a second opinion but received the same answer as the first. The next step is probably an IUI. This is when it really became a reality to me. It is a hard thing to know that the one thing you've dreamed of for years just isn't happening and may never. It's even harder when it is seeming to happen to everyone else but you. Infertility is an isolated, lonely world. Not because you are the ONLY couple experiencing it, but because no one talks about it. No one wants to discuss it, it's said in hushed tones, with looks of pity displayed across faces. One of my friends who has been going through the same thing started posting about their journey and I can't tell you how much her blog has helped me through my own heartache and sorrow. I hope that if anyone else is going through the same thing, they can find comfort knowing they are not alone. That sometimes it just takes someone in a similar situation, speaking up to help out.

These past two years have been rough. Of course there have been WAY more positives than negatives but it is difficult to see your hopes and dreams be crushed month after month, negative test after negative test.

At this point, I don't know what our future holds. But if you can take a few minutes to say a quick prayer we would appreciate it. I know the power of prayer and I know that our Heavenly Father loves us and knows each and every one of our heartaches. We will have a family one way or another!